Weiss in a Nutshell
by LoneCayt
Summary: The Weiss boys as we know and love them... steeped in insecurities, lust, and the resulting sexual frustration. WeissWeiss, but only to prove a point. Enjoy at your own risk.


Author's Disclaimer: First, I don't own Weiss. That should be obvious, cause if I did, it would be a better show. Not that I don't like the show; I just think it's lame in its horrible low-budget-ness and... well... general lameness. The manga is much better.

Secondly, this is my second attempt at humor. The first one went down in flames (really), and as I was perversely proud of that fact, I decided to post another humor fic. But unlike my last one, this makes fun of a lot of the things that tend to be consistently present in Weiss fanfics, particularly the many pairings. No offense is meant to those of you who like and/or write using said pairings or stereotypes; hell, I read and love a lot of the fics I'm subtly targeting here. I just find it amusing to poke fun at Weiss because, as I implied earlier, it's very easy to. So I decide to summarize my amusement in a very direct, satirical manner. I poke fun at the characterizations of the four Weiss guys and I poke fun at the sexual tension/dynamics/whatever that exists between them as seen in fanfics I've read. It's lame. I know. But I was amused while writing it, and that's all that really matters to me.

Thirdly, sorry about the long intro. I just wanted to make sure I covered my ass before I got flamed so I can say, "Ha! I warned you! Sucker!" and feel less responsible for ruining people's lives through my fics. Not that I care anyway. But please don't take this seriously. That's all I'm saying. It was only my perverse sense of vanity that made me write this whole long thing as a preface rather than just that one sentence.

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Chapter 1 - Weiss Dynamics 

_We find Aya in the mission room, reading a thick book that he must have gotten from the library due to the fact that he has to save all his money to pay for his sister's treatment, despite the fact that he's legally dead and should therefore be unable to get a library card._

_Ken enters, walking down the spiral staircase and holding a soccer ball._

Ken: Oh, Aya, I came down to watch a soccer game and didn't realize you were down here.

Aya: Hn.

Ken: Well, then I suppose I should take this opportunity to say that I've been watching you for a long time and have realized that I love you. I want to melt the ice around your heart.

Aya: I can't let you do that because I can't allow myself to feel anything until I kill Takatori and my sister wakes up.

Ken: I'm going to keep trying until I get through to you because I'm stubborn and thick-headed like that.

Aya: And I'm going to ignore you because I don't want to show you that beneath my hard exterior, I'm actually very fragile and insecure.

Ken: I suppose I'll just have to keep staring at you and doing nice things for you until you realize that you love me back.

_At that moment, Yohji comes down the stairs dressed in clothing tight enough to both cut off his circulation and make him impotent, but for some reason that hasn't happened yet. He sees Aya and Ken and immediately leers at both of them over his sunglasses, which seem to be permanently attached to his skull._

Yohji: You guys are very sexy and I want to have sex with you both right now, except it takes me twenty minutes to get out of these pants.

Ken: I'm going to ignore you because I'm trying to get Aya to sleep with me and your sexual innuendos shock and disgust me to a degree that gives me physically improbable nosebleeds.

Aya: I'm going to keep reading because I'm a cold insensitive bastard who's asexual and therefore is not interested in having sex with anyone.

Ken: Except me, which you haven't realized yet, but you will.

Yohji: Ken, I want you to sleep with me because you would make a good fuckbuddy. I would help you forget about Yuriko and Kase, and you would help me forget about Asuka.

Ken: I could do that, only I would be lusting after Aya the whole time and you would be both jealous of Aya and resentful because I wasn't Asuka.

Yohji: Very well then. Aya, I want you to sleep with me because I find you incredibly hot and sexy when you move and a wet dream when you're asleep, the latter of which I know because I spy on you and lust after you in the middle of the night when I'm half drunk.

Aya: I don't think a relationship between us would ever work because you obvioulsy only see me as an object of lust and would dump me after you slept with me once and realized that I'm high maintenance. I pretend like I'm asexual, but I subconsciously want a long term relationship with someone who loves me, and a one night stand with you would crush me.

Yohji: I've been lusting after you long enough that I would want to sleep with you more than once, no matter how difficult you are.

Aya: I'm going to choose not to believe you because I'm trying to deny that I have feelings for you and a rejection from you would quite possibly destroy my psyche and make me more depressed and introverted than I already am. Besides, I don't like your lifestyle, my sister isn't awake yet, and I haven't killed Takatori yet.

Yohji: I'm going to keep shoving my attraction to you in your face until you realize that you love and need me because I think you could replace Asuka for me. In the meantime, I'll sleep with Ken with the intent of making you jealous, but probably grow more attracted to him because his relative innocence gives me a new reason to live.

Ken: I'll consent to that, though I'm still in love with Aya. Now I will stop talking because the fact that I've been using words with more than three syllables goes against my wholesome but naive and somewhat dumb facade.

Aya: I'll consent to that because it means I can keep being a cold bastard and no one will find out that my name is actually Ran. I will also say nothing more because I've already used up my word allotment for the rest of the year.

Yohji: And I'll be happy that I'm getting sex, but I'll want more, so I'll convince Aya to join Ken and I so we can form a threesome.

Aya: silence

Ken: nosebleeds

Omi: sniffles

Yohji: Wait, Omi's here?

_It is revealed that Omi has been hiding in a dark corner of the room the entire time because he wanted to spy on and lust after Aya._

Omi: I'm crushed to discover that no one loves me, because I've been lusting after all three of you for as long as I can remember. Ken, because he's like an older, non-related brother to me and I know he would treat me kindly and tenderly, Aya because he's incredibly hot and he told me I wasn't a Takatori, though I know he could never return my feelings, and Yohji because he's hot and I want him to have sex with me.

Ken: Omi, I never knew you felt that way. I've been trying to deny my attraction to for a long time because I didn't think you felt the same. But now that I know, I want to take care of you in a way that can only lead to excessive amounts of sap.

Yohji: I've also been denying my attraction to you because you're under 18, but I wouldn't mind having sex with you anyway because you're so cute and innocent. However, I also think I would taint your innocence even though you've been an assassin longer than I have.

Aya: Omi, you're right in that it would never work between us because I'm not attracted to you. However, I care about you like the little brother I never had, even though I would never tell you that in real life.

Yohji: I would suggest that we all convince Aya to participate in a foursome, but I know it's exceedingly unrealistic and would require us all to be both incredibly kinky and out-of-character, so I won't. Instead, I will pressure Ken to further reveal his feelings to Omi so they can get together, then I'll take Aya for myself and try to convince him that he both loves and needs me.

Aya: I will obviously still resist because I know you will begin to play the part of the jealous boyfriend and I'm stubborn and sexually naive enough that I won't be sure of your true intentions for a long time.

Ken: Then instead of that, Omi can slowly but surely worm his way into Yohji's heart and Aya will be left to me, at which point I will utilize my generally sunny and optimistic attitude to convince him that he has more to live for than just his sister.

Omi: Both of those sound good to me.

Aya: Being the socially inept and sexually innocent recluse that I am, I've just discovered that everyone wants me. Now I don't know what to do.

Yohji: You could have sex with me.

Ken: And me.

Omi: Me too, though snuggling would be an acceptable substitute.

Manx (who has just appeared out of nowhere): I'm glad I invested in the hidden camera system that covers this entire building, because, like all the women who work for Kritiker, I am a die hard yaoi fan and wholeheartedly support any gay relationships that may occur among my coworkers and/or subordinates.

Aya, Omi and Ken: Crap. Nevermind.

Yohji: That's fine, as long as I get sex.

...to be continued?


End file.
